I know you are probably rolling your eyes at this title, and can probably guess what's going to be discussed here - but hear me out! This is something I know I don't like hearing people tell me (yep, I did just say that, and I'm serious!) but over the last two years God has really been working with me in this area. And I'll be the first to say I don't have it fully yet, but I pray that my journey can be of some encouragement to you, dear sister.
Does God really care about me? Does He even want anything to do with me? I've tried and tried and TRIED and I STILL don't get it right! My family carried it ALL with me, but I could not see it from my perspective because I was too consumed by me. I couldn't see their care or listen to their encouragement in my fear-chained cell. From my point of view, no one else saw the worth in me. I'm just the nuisance in my family. I can't do anything right. I can't even come before Him in prayer. I can't stand to open my Bible. No one understands! No one sees the hurt inside me!
Does any of the above sound like something you've said or thought about yourself? I hope not. But just so you know, I have to admit that that was me only a short 1 or 2 years ago.
I always loved God. All my life I've loved Him and wanted to be close to Him. But, there came a time in my life where I couldn't bring myself to Him. I couldn't face Him in any form or way. I couldn't pray or even open my Bible for a month or more. I was filled with shame at all my failures and shortcomings. I was so far from perfect (I still am, in case you didn't know - lol). How can God ever love me? How can I ever even attempt to love Him when I was so stained by my mistakes? For at least several years I had served Him 85% out of fear. I just wanted to stay on His good side so that nothing I feared would happen to me. The result? A literal book of rules I wrote out for myself of do's and don'ts, such as don't sit cross legged while you pray, remember to say a two paragraph prayer that I made up every single time you even think about thinking something that's not 100% right, don't stand like that when you do this, don't sit like this when you do this.... yes, I had a book full of rules like that. And the consequence for breaking them? Wow, breaking even the smallest rule would put me in a panic!
No wonder I had so many mistakes on my record! And no one is perfect anyway. So add my already existent human mistakes to my own made broken life-or-death (literally) rules, and it's no wonder I completely lost the true meaning of living in my Abba's house and drinking in His love, in a real relationship of two.
I eventually broke and if it wasn't for His grace and mercy and love towards me, it would not have ended well. I don't think I can ever underestimate the power love has again. God knows each of us perfectly, inside out. I may have felt like a failure and a letdown so completely that I never let myself dream of getting up, even though my heart and soul screamed for me to try just one more time. But no one is a failure. I'm going to say that again - no one is a failure. My friend, just because you're different from everyone else doesn't mean you're a bad person. Just because people don't understand you doesn't mean you have to live with that label around your neck. You are God's most priceless possession. Yes, even if you feel like you're covered from head to foot in filth that you think you've placed there. Don't ever let that stop you. Turn to God - not to justify you and make other people understand you. Turn to Him and ask Him to reveal His love to you. And then, ask Him to help you live in His love and be the beautiful you He has created you to be.
I'm asking you from the bottom of my heart - don't come to Him with the whole list of things you think you have to or ought to say. Don't say anything like that. Not a single thing. Don't even ask Him to forgive all the things you did wrong. Yes, beautiful daughter, you heard me right! Just come to Him with this picture in mind: picture Him smiling at you, standing right in front of you with the biggest smile ever. Look into His eyes - they're sparkling with joy and happiness over you! He can't contain His joy at having you there, He's laughing and crying at the same time. He takes you into His arms. His arms and body aren't stiff. They are fully welcoming and warm. His attention is fully on you. He's never letting you go!
Let yourself fully embrace Him and His love. I know you may not feel it yet. Ask Him. Ask Him to reveal His love to you and make you feel it. Talk to Him like you would talk to yourself in your heart. Be open with Him and just talk to Him like a best friend and father. Don't, don't speak about anything like what you think you're supposed to say or speak like you think you should and ''behave''. No, only come to Him as you truly are.
He will reveal His love for you. Cry with Him if you need to. I never cried before in prayer, and I'm just the type of person who never cried easily anyway. But in that place, where my heart was bleeding and aching for love, redemption, and hope, when He revealed His love to me, I started crying. I cried many more times when I went to a quiet place and sat in Abba's arms. Cry with Him. They are happy tears, letting out all the pain and expressing all the joy and thankfulness. I can't describe it properly. But I don't have to. You will experience it in full. Trust Him. Or if you're struggling to trust Him, find encouragement in my story, His story of love and faithfulness.
I know it feels hard. I know you feel like it's impossible. I know you might be laughing and shaking your head. You might be asking me ''yeah, but how do you really know God loves me?''
Here are some Bible verses that really made my relationship, can I even say, my romance, with my Abba even more incredible.
''Indeed, a lover of peoples is He - all His kedoshim are in His hand.'' - Deuteronomy 33:3
''He rescued me since He delighted in me.'' - 2 Samuel 22:20 Isn't that just such an amazing and touching thought! He truly delights in me and rescued me because of it!
''A vineyard of delight! I, ADONAI, watch over it, I water it every moment. I guard it day and night, so that no one may harm it.'' - Isaiah 27:2-3 He loves us so much. He calls us a delight! He nurtures us and is excited over us. We have NOT let Him down. We are not shriveled up. We are loved just the way we are.
''Fear not, for I have redeemed you, I have called you by name, you are Mine.'' - Isaiah 43:1 Do not be afraid and worry that you've just gone too far to try again. You are never to far for Him to find you. He has taken you under His cloak and called you by name. You are redeemed! Fully cleansed! He does not even remember what you did. He doesn't even notice and only pulls you closer into His embrace. He is not afraid over the dirt covering you. He holds you tightly to Him. There is no stain from you on Him. You are dressed in a clean white dress! Look and see!
''Though the mountains depart and the hills be shaken, My love will not depart from you, nor will My covenant of peace be shaken, says ADONAI who has compassion on you.'' - Isaiah 54:10 Absolutely nothing, NOTHING, can remove His love for you. Just look at Israel - even after all they'd done, He loves them just the same, if not more! He is rebuilding them and blessing them despite their imperfection. He has made a covenant of peace with you that will never be shaken. Look away from any and all chaos and focus only on His shalom.
''With human cords I was drawing them, with bonds of love.'' - Hosea 11:4 This is one of my favourite verses. He loves us so much that he yearns for us. Picture someone who is literally lovesick or really wants something. He is consumed with this one longing, that he be with the one he loves so much. He cries over it and gently draws one with so much selflessness and care. He turns and shows his love in the way the one he loves feels loved and understands. Abba is the same way with us!
''ADONAI is in your midst - a mighty Saviour! He will delight over you with joy. He will quiet you with His love. He will dance for joy over you with singing.'' - Zephaniah 3:17 This is another one of my most favourite verses. Just picture Him literally dancing over you with so much joy it can't be contained! How incredible! Does it make you feel a little shy with delight at His heartfelt expression as He's trying to make you see how much He loves you just the way you are? Remember how King David danced before the Ark? Think of Yeshua dancing over you, His eyes shining, laughing with uncontained joy!
''I will maintain My love for him forever, and My covenant with him will be firm.'' - Psalm 89:25
''They may curse, but You bless.'' - Psalm 109:28 The accuser curses us, reminding us of all our failures and shortcomings. But He never curses and never listens to the accusations brought against us. He only blesses us. Think of Joshua the Kohen Gadol in Zechariah 3.
And there are a lot more. I have written down around 215 verses that talk about God's love for me, for us. He is serious about loving us just the way we are! Ask Him to reveal His love to you. Don't give up if you don't feel it right away. He will show you. He loves you. He truly loves you.
Here's something fun I did. My sister bought me a beautiful notebook one year for my birthday, with the verse, ''With God all things are possible'' beautifully written on the front. I set it aside until I found something I could use it for that was beautiful. Well, I went and wrote down every single verse I found that talked of His love. It took me 2 years (I only worked on it on Shabbat or on other days when I felt like it), and it is a beautiful book that I keep with me wherever I go. I underlined the verses on that topic whenever I found them in my daily devotions, and after reading the Bible through each year, I went and found them as I worked on writing them down. I'm sure there are many that I missed (since the Bible is really one beautiful love letter from our Father). Try it, if you want to or feel led to. Make it unique to you. Some of you are artistic; make it beautiful. Some of you are more academic; organize them in neatly organized categories. Or just write them down from your heart. And if you still have room left at the end of your notebook, you can get someone else like your parents and siblings to write a little note, or your grandparents, on how they experienced God's love in their own lives. Make it personal, and then make it bigger.
Be blessed as you embark on this lifelong journey of love and a relationship with your Heavenly Father xxx
p.s a HUGE shoutout to my amazing family, my parents and siblings, who have walked this journey right alongside me, carrying it all with me. I love you all so, so much! xxx
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